𖤓 Growing Wings, Deepening Roots 𖦹

I was building the life I thought I wanted, and my spirit was getting restless. After a couple years of investing in a stable future with my beloved, my gypsy soul began pushing back against routine and responsibility.

The previous chapter of my life devoted to wandering, following the rhythms of my own spirit, my creative impulses, surrendering to the unknown with at times having nothing but the clothes on my back.

That chapter of wandering could have been seen as escapism, but I look back with respect at the courage to pursue this chapter of initiation. By releasing external structures of housing, income, predictability.. I was forced into direct relationship with Spirit as my primary source of orientation and safety. What I gained was not comfort, but clarity. I learned how to listen for guidance beneath the noise of cultural expectation, how to trust the subtle movements of intuition, and learned the art of how to survive without betraying the compass of my true heart. This devotion to surrendered living was my way of refusing a life that asked me to trade aliveness for approval, or soul for stability.

This was my answer to the call to resist the pressures of the world to abandon the soul for the sake of establishing a false sense of security rooted in societal structures that don’t prioritize the health of the Spirit. Choosing this lifestyle of surrendered nomadic living – was my radical devotion to finding my own true voice, strengthening my faith in Spirit.

When that lifestyle became unsustainable for the deep need to rehabilitate my roots – with the help of divine intervention – I embraced a life of routine, locking into a solid consistent schedule of work commitments in addition to recovery + therapeutic support groups and programs. Prioritizing establishing order on a physical level, with the help of my partner who has already been grounded in these rhythms for many years being able to cultivate material world stability. This kind of support held me to be able to cultivate this more strongly in my own system as well.

Where-as before coming together with my beloved, I had many seasons during my nomadic lifestyle, of unconscously rejecting this aspect of masculine provision, operating from unworthiness and internalized rejection from my own father and the masculine systems dominating my early childhood. I spent my early twenties attracting men in my life who also were not able to hold a foundational expression of healthy and whole masculinity in themselves. As a mirror for what I had rejected within myself and the world around me as well.

Once I hit bottom, within a relationship with a man who was not committed to being with one woman, not committed to providing stability for the feminine, as he was operating from his own feminized masculinity and rejection wounds.. I finally came to the place where the pain became overwhelming, the self abandonment and self deception in order to stay in that dynamic was painfully obvious. I fully decided I was done with entertaining and enabling this kind of behavior to come into connection with my system, to continue playing out in my life.

I fully decided that I was worthy of receiving masculine support. I reclaimed the truth that it was safe to allow myself to be fully provided for by a man, although it had been unknown to my system. It was no longer serving me to settle for less, as it was too obvious to deny any longer the fact that it was actually more unsafe to partner with a man that rejected this fundamental aspect of his masculinity. (I don’t know why this picture says “unfriendly” or “taller than me” lol – just ignore those because I don’t see those qualities as defining a mature integrated man)

I was worthy – just like any sister or daughter or mother – to receive masculine provision, material world support. As this is necessary for the sustainable creation of new life, to carry life, to continue the expansion of one’s own creative potential. Which is innately worthy of protection and support. Once I decided this deeply on an emotional, somatic, energetic, and spiritual level – everything in my life rearranged to allow this to be integrated.

And this is where I finally accessed within my awareness the ability to identify, and ability to voice boundaries to anything that sought to destabilize my progress, and extract from my feminine energy, gaslight my voice of protection, and deny my value while asserting their own victimhood to justify their neglect and abuse. Which was a dynamic I was born into from my lineage. And was a dynamic I was finally able to address and say no to. Not just for myself, but for the greater restoration of integrity of every heart involved in this kind of dynamic.

As I welcomed this shift into a more “normal” life of material-world stability – creating a life in union with my partner anchored in this way – I began to see how necessary it truly was to integrate this aspect into my life to support sustainability, integration and progress.

This consistency and physical grounding supported my nervous system in feeling safe enough to unravel deeper layers of relational wounding and long-embedded survival fears.. adaptations that could really only be met within a stabilizing lifestyle.

At the same time, this shift has been challenging to stay connected to my joy and sense of freedom in this lifestyle; it has tested my spirit.

Triggering up deeper laters of the unresolved past emotional traumas of feeling trapped in the routines and structures of my childhood. Where I learned that maintaining structure and routine was at the expense of needs for emotional connection, personal creative freedom and authentic expression.

And yet, it has also been an opportunity: to learn how to root in the mundane while keeping the mystic alive, to carry freedom and adventure into daily responsibility, to see that they do not have to oppose each other. That is a lesson I will carry into motherhood one day, when I want wings that are strong but roots that are deep.

This past summer, I was blessed with an opportunity to really integrate these polarities at a luxury healing spa on the lake in North Tahoe. The spirit of adventure returning with the open door to travel every weekend up the mountain and into the mystical presence of the lake. Yet also providing an expansion of financial consistency, strengthening physical world stability, all rooted in meaningful purpose and soul expansion.

The steady income and supportive environment gave me a platform I could truly leap from. It allowed me to take a true leap of faith when the call came: to solo travel in Mexico for a few weeks and attend a women’s trauma healing retreat I had longed for.

The retreat brought together everything I hold sacred: the presence of indigenous elders and their wisdom ways, body-based trauma resolution, awareness of cultural and systemic fractures that shape personal struggle, dance and movement therapy, and honoring ecological regeneration and sustainability through the eco-centered retreat space.

It was the kind of opportunity I had dreamed of hoping one day to have the resources to attend. And finally, the time and support aligned. It felt like divine timing.

It was a deep dive into the lands of my ancestors in Mexico, a journey with beautiful souls from different backgrounds, stages of life, and experiences. So many healing tears. So much witnessing. So much tenderness.

And when I returned, integration has been gentle: a slow sinking into winter, into rest, into the dark, deep spaces that replenish the soul.

On my return home.. the financial reality was not what I had hoped. Bookings at the spa had been slow, and it became my main source of income. This was also the time of year when work slows down for my partner. We became behind on many bills. Scarcity and money fears began to creep in..

Self doubt about my decisions. Anger at myself for not being more responsible, for assuming work would be consistent for me to make such an investment..

I had also let go of work connections that no longer aligned with the direction I longed to expand in when I got the position at the spa. Which created even more dependency on this income. I was hoping to be able to be held by the consistency of the spa, making more while working less, so I can have more availability to pour into my devotion to my healing arts practice, cultivating more consistent income through my private practice rooted in helping others unwind tension patterns, open to ease, to nourishment, to their true nature..

I poured energy into finishing my website before my trip, I finished it after I returned, and then surrendered into the call of deep winter rest. Letting it all go.

Now, as my energy returns and the light slowly creeps back, I dive deeper into energetic hygiene, stewarding mind, body, and heart to open fully to life and Creator’s abundant provision. Integrating the wisdom ways I learned from the women’s retreat and my Mexico voyage.

For the first time, consistent bookings are emerging. This week holds a significant increase in consistent bookings for my massage more than I have ever had before! As well as interest in other services grow! I move less from survival fear or hustle, more from discipline rooted in mind, body, heart, and spirit. Trust. Creative ability. Love. Faith in the flow.

I am beginning to reap the harvest: Wholistic Heart Pathways is growing to support wings that are strong and open, roots that are deep, and the spirit of freedom that has always guided me. I am learning to move in harmony with the place from which all healing and creativity flows. I steward that relationship, walk through open doors, surrender to the wisdom of the seasons: let darkness nourish, waters feed roots, soils decompose, rise to meet the light.

My system is integrating the truth that I don’t need to choose between freedom and stability. I am learning how to let them coexist. I am integrating the knowing that stability can become not a cage, but a living container I consciously choose, receive, and steward, one that supports the unfolding and expansion of my spirit rather than constraining it.

A consistent medicine for my heart is the ever deepening realization of how the dance of creation is the love letter of Creator to all creation, to every heart.

The more I let go of the noise of the world.. proving worth, avoiding loss, clinging to distraction.. the more the clutter clears. The elements cleanse. The living spirit restores.

I find refuge in this primary dance, in flow with the great Mother-Father of all, in the sanctuary of my inner ecology.

I let life, creativity, freedom, and grounding of Spirit move through me in the dance of symbiosis & service

ᨒ𖤓ᨒ

This piece speaks from lived experience and spiritual conviction. It is not intended to convince of any ideology or polarize, but to invite deeper contemplation around authenticity, our unique and shared human journeys, and what truly sustains life. I trust readers to take what resonates and leave the rest.

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